In 1999, I had an abdominal surgery to rebuild my bladder out of colon. While I was in there, they removed my severely deformed and non-functioning uterus.I was twelve, still a kid in some ways, but I knew what it meant: there was no way I would be able to give birth. I was okay with it. Once again, I need to mention I was 12.
Then I got to meet the guy that is now my husband. He knew from the start that bio kids were out of the question and was fine with it. However, at one point in our engagement I sat him down and gave him the chance to bail, telling him I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted something I could never give.
He looked at me like I was insane… maybe I am. He told me he fell in love with me and never even considered what baggage I came with.
When people hear I can’t reproduce, they get these sad eyes. Some people don’t say anything, but some people get quite vocal about it, telling me this was “God’s will” and “it happened for a reason.” Okay then. I rarely argue; I just smile and walk away.
I’m at the age now where all my friends are having kids and flooding Facebook and Instagram with adorable pictures. I love it, but I hate it, if that makes sense. I’m happy that my friends have cute kids, but I hate that most of them did it the cost free “natural” way and if my husband and I want kids (and we do, a bit more down the road) we have to pay $30,000+.
While I have you here, let me give you some tips to be a great friend to the fertility challenged:
- If you have kids, don’t let every conversation with you mostly about all them.
- If your friend needs to vent and cry or whatever, let them. Just sit down and listen.
- Understand that not everyone can go to baby showers, so don’t be offended if your friend declines to participate.
- Don’t freak out if your friend freaks out about your pregnancy/new baby, especially if you’re very close. There will be a new chapter in your life that they won’t have and they are sad about it. They fear your friendship may decline as you find yourself becoming friends with other moms with kids your age.
This is just a short list, so I’m hoping those reading this can give more insight in the comments sections.
Infertilite women: What do you need from your fertile friends? What support do you need? What don’t you want to hear?